i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Shame is for Republicans.
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