She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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