allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
