If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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