Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
