Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
