ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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