She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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