When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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