I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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