There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
