Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
