Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
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i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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