My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
