Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
