i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
