My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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