genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
