this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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