I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You're like the curious george of whores
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
