im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
