And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Randomize
