did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Randomize
