I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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