Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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