I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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