How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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