dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
