My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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