there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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