Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
