Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
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She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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