I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
