Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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