I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
