tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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