I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize
