Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
