I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
