There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
