we have pet lesbian snakes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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