i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
