you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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