Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
