how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
