my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
