so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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