At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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