Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
