Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
