I have demons in me.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
