my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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