i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We left an ass print on the piano.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
