Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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