I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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