i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
