We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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