He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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