Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
