Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The Olympian is in my bed
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
