Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
