chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
